Find A Passion

So as I'm lying here in bed staring at the ceiling, I notice a present that I got from my aunt and uncle for Christmas.  It is a decorative piece that has a bunch of inspirational sayings on it.  The first one is find a passion.  As I, for lack of a better word, ponder that saying, my eyes keep wandering around my room. I realize that when I unpacked my room from being in Florida, I created a reflection of the person I have become.  My passions clearly surround me.

When I went to Florida, I went with a broken heart, a craving for adventure, and the desire to meet new people and experience new things.  I went with a feeling of excitement that this was going to be an adventure. That is exactly what I got.  That broken heart healed itself almost immediately.  My adventure was living in a completely different place from where I grew up, having to get around with public transportation. I met many, many knew people.  Most of those people I will probably never see again.  But that doesn't bother me.  Not all the people you meet in life are supposed to stay there forever.  Some are meant to be in your life for a short time to teach you something.  I met one person who I hope will stay in my life forever.  I also experienced new things.  I went to Disney World for the first time ever!!!!  That in itself was a dream come true.  And while I was there I got to experience almost everything that Disney World had to offer.  One of the greatest things I got to experience was making "magical moments" for people there on vacation.  I could spread the joy of Disney, call little girls 'princess', and little boys 'pirate', get paid for it and not seem like a weirdo while doing it.  Although my time there was amazing, I couldn't live there doing the same thing.  That was an experience to have and to be learned from.  I'm glad it's over.  But not because I didn't enjoy it, but because now I can live the life I now want to have.  While I was there I became a different person.  I came home with a heart full of love and hope, a desire to follow my dreams and go to culinary school.  I now have the piece of mind of knowing that I am who I am, I'm crazy and passionate and loving.  And I'm proud of that.  I have an amazing family who will support me in anything I decide to do.  Even if it's something as crazy as moving across the country to go to culinary school.

But I digress, my passions....

When you look around my room you will see a bookcase filled with books from harry potter, to dean koontz, to john grisham, to cookbooks of every shape and size.  I love books.  Always have, always will.  I love the feel of a book, the connection you can have to a character, the inspiration you can pull from almost any book, the possibilities a new book holds to transport you to another time, place, or dimension.  Most of all, I love the awe I get after reading a fantastic book.  And those that I have to sit and think about for hours after reading them? Those are my favorites. I recently found a used bookstore in Monterey that had floor to ceiling shallow bookcases.  I could have just stared at all of those books for hours.  Never pulling any of them off the shelf, just staring.

Another thing you will find are tons of mugs and teacups lining shelves and covering the top of my bookcase.  This passion came from my mother who also collects mugs.  They are mostly disney mugs but some are not.  There's the square one with superman on it from Magic Kingdom where I faced my fears and went on the superman.  Straight up and back down haha.  I have an old-fashioned McDonald's mug from when I worked there.  I have 2 from Hawaii, one with a luau dancer on it and the other that proudly claims it's from Kimo's a restaurant I ate at while vacationing there with my family.   I have one that says supercalifragilisticexpealidocious on it from when I went to go see Mary Poppins on stage with my mom.  I have lots more but there is no need to bore you with all of them, haha.

There are so many other things to see in my room that will give you some insight in to who I am.  The pictures I have up (one of me and my mom when I was little and one of me, my mom and my grandma at disneyland), my many cookbooks displayed for all to see (I collect them), and most important, all of my disney stuff.  I know what my passions are and I couldn't be happier with them.  Most importantly, I think, this is just one room.  Think of how much more I can experience in my life, how many more restaurants I can eat at, how many countries I can visit, and, one day, I'll fill a house with them.  But don't expect me to go running after all those experiences.  If there's one thing I learned, life just happens.  Memories are created on their own.  So for now, I'm going to enjoy the sweetness of doing nothing.

Il dolce far niente.

My holiday dinner

Well its been forever but im back. I realuzed that there just isnt much time to post about the college program while your on it so probably the next time you'll hear about it, i will be on a plane back to california.

On another note, just in case you dont kniw already, i will be starting culianry school at johnson wales in the spring!!! Woo!! Haha very fun :)

But now to the actual subject of this blog :). My Holiday dinner :). I didnt have time to cook at thanksgiving dinner so i have decided to make a holiday dinner two week later. I have fully planned the meal complete with a schedule of what needs to be cooked the day of.  The menu? Cream and Cranberry Spread with crackers, homemade house rolls, roast turkey with citrus-rosemary glaze, citrus sweet potato rounds, and chic macaroni and cheese. I am super excited to grocery shop for it and cook it!! Im just having a couple of friends over and i only bought a small 10lb turkey but i plan on having lots of fun!! Stay tuned for a recap :)

Apartment Tour

Sorry it took so long!!! and the editing is pretty bad cuz i just threw it together real quick but after 3 months i finally have an apartment tour!! haha thanks for watching guys :)

Art Of Animation

Lers start at the begining of this awesome day. Slept in late at my friends and woke up to him calling our other friend telling him to get up. Got up, gathered me stuff and went back to my place to put on a bathing suit and eat some lunch. We drove back to his place to get our friend and after we did we made our way to the bus stop where we got on the B bus at precisely 2:34pm. We rode that to the Polynesian Resort where we got off and walked to the beach there. That resort is truly amazing but also very expensive. Its supposed to be like your in Hawaii :) we spent the next like 4 hours drinking and swiming and laying out in the pool. Which was awesome :) we even got layed!!! then we decided, hey, we havent seen fantasmic yet, why not catch a bus to hollywood studios and stand in line to see it? So around 8 we got on the monorail and went to the Grand Floridian where we sat in the spa and pool for like twenty minutes. From there we got on a resort bus. Once at Hollywood Studios we decides we had enough time to ride Tower of Terror, which is always amazing. Then we stood in line for fantasmic and had brownie sundaes from my work. They opened the doors to the Hollywood Hills at ten and we started walking in. We were lucky enough to get not only the front row but the middle of the stadium!! The show exceeded my expectations. One thing however is if you sit in the front row you will get soaked. We left the ampitheatre after it was over and went towards the buses where we decided it would be fun to board the first resort bus we saw and grab a cp bus from there. We got on the art of animation bus.  That is disneys newest resort. It has four sections, two of which arent open yet. They have little mermaid, lion king, finding nemo, and cars. We walked around finding nemo and cars. The cars area is truly amazing. I felt like i was p through the movie. Everything was lifesized!! The pool in that section is based off the cozy cone motel so they have huge traffic cones that act as cabanas!!!! Anyways it was amazing and i want my family to stay there:) i ended the day talking to my mom and my brother who sounded so happy to talk to me. I work tomorrow at 3:30 so i should probably go to sleep!! Night!!!

Wow!!! What a ride!!!

Well im on the bus home right now and got inspiration to finally write about my time here!! Haha my inspiration came from the fact that here i am about to get on the bus at Hollywood Studios, and off the bus comes my roommate. I was on my way home from work and she was on her way in. Thats the silly stuff that happens here in the Disney College Program. Another thing like that happened just this morning. I got on the bus at Chatham Square (another apartment complex) because i slept over at a friends, when the bus got to Vista Way one of my roommates got on!! Now this doesnt happen often for most cps, im just lucky to have two other roommates who work in the same park as me :) but let me pause to start from the begining:
I arrived in Florida may 14. It was extremely humid and it rained. The next day me and my dad went to magic kingdom and i was pleased to see that my dad could enjoy disney. He loved magic kingdom and said he couldnt wait to take his family there. My greatest memory of that day was when we walked out of Mickeys Philharmonic show and my dad was just like that was amazing!!! I dont know how they did that!! Disney can even amaze adults :)
On wednesday i woke up early and went to checkin where i met my roommates. We got the best apartment. Its not in the front but its super close to the front, the bus stop, both pools, clubhouse, mailroom, and its on the third floor so our living room has vaulted ceilings and a beautiful bay window. Already two of my roommates are gone. The first one left because she went to security to try and get me and another roommate termed. They sent us to a housing meeting and there they decided she would be better off in a different apartment.  Two days later we got a roommate from england, Carolyn. Shes great and is my actual roommate. Not long ago, another roommate of mine got termed for work-related issues. The next day we got another roommate who was already on the program she was just moving apartments. Somehow none of this bothers me that much. I still feel settled in and at home.
Five days a week i don a sunflower apron and straw hat and jump on the E bus to Hollywood Studios where i work on Sunset Blvd. I work in six different locations and could be doing anything from scooping ice cream to selling frankfurters and sausages from inside a boat.  Sunset blvd is supposed to be a Farmers Market that thrived in L.A. during the fortys. It has some wartime touches since its hayday was during the world war.  We are the biggest quickservice area in all of Walt Disney World. Sometimes my job can be trying, but i have made great friends there and the days i get to wear the mickey hand and stand outside to greet the guests are the best. Ive even had people take my picture waving to them!!!!
My name has been a constamt topic of conversation. When your always meeting new people it tends to be. The first couple weeks here i kept hearing from people at work "oh so yoooouuuurrrr Canada." Haha makes you wonder.....sometimes, however i wear a nametag i picked up from costuming that says my name is "Sam". Its fun to wear that one :)
Playing in the parks is definetly the best part about this program. I love going into the parks and feeling like i have all the time in the world.  Hollywood Studios is definetly my favorite.
Well i cant think of anything else but if you want to know anything about my time here just comment below!!!!!

Packing Vlog

Just a silly (can be boring) blog about my packing process.  Sorry it took me so long to post.

Well I arrived in Orlando yesterday and after getting the rental car and heading to the hotel, my dad and I ate dinner at Sizzler's, went to Walmart to go shopping for household items (towels, laundry detergent, etc.), and drove by Vista Way (my new home :)).  I then crashed when we got to the hotel room haha.  Woke up this morning around 8:30am, got ready, ate breakfast at the Ponderosa buffet, and made our way to Magic Kingdom.  Amazing!!!  You have to drive through what I call the "Disney Freeway" to get to the big huge sign that says "Magic Kingdom".  Then there are tons of Transportation cast members that tell you exactly where to park.  Then you board a tram (you don't want to walk, its a mile and a half) that takes you to the ticket and transportation center.  There we picked up our tickets at will call and boarded a ferry boat that took us across a huge lake to the park (yes it's on the other side of a lake and yes that is uber cool.  there is a lot of water in florida....) The day was amazing.  No long lines and we did everything we wanted to.  Even rode space mountain 3 times!!!  It was weird though.  The only way I can explain this park was that it was a mixture of being completely different from disneyland and being exactly the same to a fine detail.  Like pirates was exactly the same just the scenes in the beginning were kinda mixed up. Same with Jungle Cruise.  Tiki Room was shortened somehow.  Splash Mountain had more mini drops.  However, I felt like Peter Pan's Flight was an EXACT replica of that in Disneyland.  It's a Small World was like a mini it's a small world haha.  I went on the Peoplemover and the Carousel of Progress was pretty cool.  It was funny when I went on Space Mountain because since I've been on the one in Disneyland so many times its like my body knows exactly where all the turns and stuff are so when I went on this one, I could feel my body bracing for it to go one way and then it would do something completely different.  There are also a lot more drops on that one.  I also noticed that like EVERY ride has a fast pass.  weird.....

Anyways, great day and I'm really tired and I'm gonna get like no sleep.  It's 1:15am and I have to wake up at 5am to be at Vista at 6am, sucks..... oh well.  Ill post another blog when I have my next vlog about my first few days here!!! (by the way, the whether here is weird.....)

2 weeks to go!!!

well as some of you may know, I leave for florida in 2 weeks!!! I have a feeling this time will go by super fast!!!  I am starting a bucket list for the disney college program so when I finish it I will post it :)

for now, here is a trailer I made while messing around with the mac on my computer :)

I have also started packing and plan on going through my clothes tomorrow :) I'll keep you guys posted.

The formative college years

Well as many of you know my major right now is accounting. I picked that major because im good at it and economically its a good career. However im learning that its not what i really want to be. And theres the problem. I cant just be whatever i want because then i might pick something that doeznt pay or there isnt a demand for.  Here i am living my dream by moving to florida by being in the disney college program and its made me see that i should be living my dream all the time. But ive got to do that one step at a time. And it starts with the program. After that i think, wait for it,  that ill take some culinary classes at delta. Maybe even in san francisco. Yes i think i might go back to my dream of becoming a chef. Eventually i could go to the culinary institute of america and then maybe the disney culinary program and eventually end up at disney :) as a chef! What do you think? And this might almost certainly change and i might change my mind again. But as long as im happy and moving forward i think i will view myself as successful. Im trying to change my view on what that word means and i think it just might be working. :)

I Love the Gaggle

The gaggle is a silly term to describe a wonderful group of friends growing in the facebook group who get eachother but no one else gets them.  There are haters who hope they get terminated in Florida and then there are those who you can tell will be friends for life. 

I am of course talking about the Disney College Program :) I have met an amazing new friend named Bry.  He is a wonderful artist who is selling these cute little envelopes made of recycled old disney books.  He is reserving the set of Jazmine just for me and then I'm gonna buy the Lion King ones.  This way I can send letters home to my family and I encourage you to send them back to me in the same envelope if you are lucky enough to get one :)

I also have found my roommates :).  We agreed that we want to live in a two-bedroom apartment in the
Vista Way apartment complex.  My roommate is Hannah and my suitemates are Miranda and Andrea.  Can't wait for the matcher to open up so we can solidify that arrangement!!! 

I can't tell you how excited I am.  I think this is exactly the jumpstart to my life that I was looking for.  A chance to start over, away from Tracy, make some new friends, gain some new experiences, and come home a completely different person. 

This is going to sound morbid, but the life I live now is not one that makes me happy.  That is why I am changing the direction of it.  This is my dream come true in more ways than one.  I used to love life and I want that love for life and my "get up and go" attitude back.  And anyone who doubts that I can do that is crazy.  That is the life I was meant for.  I was meant to follow my heart, do things on a whim, and love people like there wasn't a tomorrow.  That is exactly what I plan to do and how I plan to live the rest of my life.  See you all on the other side :)

I can't wait

I really just can't wait.

I think it is surreal that in less than 3 months I will be living in Florida.  All alone.  It.....will.....be....great.  I....can't....wait.  I wish it were here right now.  And um I think that's all I have to say.  I'm just waiting....

Spring Cleaning Anyone?

Well last night I started the massive cleaning job that I have to do before May 14, the day of my flight. I have to completely clean out my room, cut down on my stuff, and pack everything up because I probably won't be moving back into this room. 
I started with under my bed.  Which actually wasn't as dirty as I thought it was.  And then today I definetly cleaned out my desk pretty well.  Got a bag of trash ready to go down and the motivation to keep going!!
haha I've also already started packing for florida.  The pile in my room includes: a microplush blanket, a twin sheet set, a belle blanket, a 42 piece set of tupperware, a cute little backpack (for work), a mini presentation board (can't hang stuff on the walls, so pictures), my suitcases, new bathing suit, a couple stuffed animals (2 Donald Ducks, moosey), couple picture frames, and bubble wrap for my xbox 360.  Yes it's alot and I haven't even started on my clothes, but don't worry I can get it there :)
I know I probably shouldn't be starting this early but the way I look at it, I can figure out everything I need to buy now so that I can pay for it while I still have a job haha.  having fun :) and can't wait

I got in!!!

Well I'm leaving in May for Walt Disney World!!! Can you believe it?  I'll be a quick service food and beverage cast member. I already have a roommate picked out.  Her name is Holly and she is a clean freak and a cook just like me.  I have a feeling that I will have the time of my life!!!  I can't wait to quit my crappy job at McDonald's and go stay in the Vista Waaaaayyy apartment complex.  May 16 is the date!! I just picked it!!!
Now I will have to create a packing list, go shopping, save money, and WAIT!!!
haha well i have to go to my crappy job so talk to you guys later!!!

happiest place on earth or bust!!!

Well my phone interview is over!!!!
I think that it went great.  She asked me why I chose the program, which program I prefer and why, if I am receptive to the fall advantage program(going in may instead of august), what my top three roles are and why, if I have ever lived with roomates(put a positive spin on that one :)  ), if I have any visible tattoos, if I have a problem with the Disney Look, about my work experience, if I have a driver's license.
She told me that if I get accepted and pay the fee then the website opens up to me.  Information that no one else gets to see is all of a sudden there for me.  Like the roommate matcher, picking my arrival date, rules and regulations, all that fun stuff. she said if I don't get in to just keep applying till I do. (I'm hoping that's a good sign because she had no obligation to say that so she must have thought I had a good interview and deserve to be in the program, right?)  She said I would find out within two weeks (or less!!!!)

I am uberly excited.  uberly.  I can only hope that I conveyed the right personality and that my wide choice of roles will land me SOMETHING.  Now just to wait and keep busy.....this is going to be difficult.....anyone want to go to Disneyland for the next two weeks?  haha

Why Disney is Special To Me

I just read a new friends blog who is also applying to fall 2012 Disney College Program.  And I find it amazing that someone feels the same way about Disney as I do.  Now I've gone to Disneyland what seems like millions of times in my life and the first time she went was when she was seventeen so she can better recall her first trip.  But I can still tell you how I feel EVERY TIME I walk into the park. Alli, if you read this, it NEVER wears off.  That magic is always there.

When I go to Disneyland, no matter how excited and chatty I am in line, as soon as I scan my ticket, I am speechless.  I immediately want to run. Anywhere.  Because that's just it, anywhere is a good place to go in Disneyland.  It's nicknamed the happiest place on earth, but it is truly my happiest place on earth.  There is no where I would rather be.  I walk in and just want to take in the atmosphere, soak it in.  Disneyland is it's own world.  To me, I walk in and all my troubles fade away.  Even the times where I had a boyfriend nagging me or fighting with me over text messages, I was still happy.  To tell you the truth, half the time I forget to even check my phone while I'm there.  The sights, sounds, smells, they all surround you.  The way main street looks like it goes on forever and the buildings look super small because, just like Sleeping Beauty's castle, the bricks get smaller as they go up the building.  The ever present magic shop (even though magic tricks aren't in style anymore).  The window displays on the Emporium which are super old but never change.  The horse-drawn carriages and two-story busses.  These are all the things that welcome you to Disneyland.  

I haven't been truly happy for awhile.  But just the thought of a trip to Disney lifts my spirits for a little.  It's a place where nothing can go wrong.  Even my family gets along there.  I especially love seeing my little brothers and sisters faces as the magic of Disney hits them.  And I think there lies the real root of why I want to work for Disney so much.  I want to be apart of the place the makes every person happy.  That creates magic for children and the young at heart.

After all, "To all that come to this happy place: welcome. Disneyland is your land. Here age relives fond memories of the past, and here youth may savor the challenge and promise of the future. Disneyland is dedicated to the ideals, the dreams, and the hard facts that have created America... with hope that it will be a source of joy and inspiration to all the world."

And that's just it.  Disney is special.  It creates something that no one else can touch.  It is at the head of many new things and recreates other things to make them infinitely better.  Working for them is my dream.  I want to get into this program so badly. Just so that my dreams can come true and I can use that happiness as pixie dust and make other peoples dreams come true.

Disney College Program

Well I might as well talk about it on my blog since the secret is out.  I have officially applied to the Disney College Program that is a paid internship.  I passed a web-based interview and am scheduled for a phone interview Wednesday, February 8 at 8:15 am.  If I am accepted, I'll go to the auditions to be a character performer in San Francisco on March 18.

This program includes housing that is exclusively for the program and they take your housing fees straight out of your paycheck every week.  It is a full-time job making mainly minimum wage.  You have the opportunity to further your education through the program with disney-themed classes, seminars, and other things.  The main reason for this program is to be apart of the community, make new friends, learn very valuable job skills, and put Disney on your resume.  For me this is the opportunity of a lifetime.

I applied to both the Florida Program and the Anaheim one, so I may be out-of-state for six months!!!  My first three job choices are Character Performer, Bippity Boppity Boutique as a fairy godmother in training, and attractions. 

I have watched EVERY video the Program has on youtube.  I have read multiple forums and joined one.  And I am a member of the facebook group that is for applicants of fall 2012.  It is wonderful to be able to talk to people that are as excited about this and love disney just as much as I do.

I have decided that if I don't get in, I just might die!! haha but it won't be terrible, I can just apply again for the Spring 2013 Program.  This is something people come home from with memories of a lifetime, pictures, friends, experiences, etc.  I could never ask for anything more. 

So keep watching my blog for updates on my status in the program, and if you have any questions, post them in the comments and I'll answer them!!! There is so much to talk about this program that I have no problem answering any questions :)

my feet are always cold

haha i'm not even kidding.  they are cold like right now.  My best friend has become so accustomed to this that he doesn't even make fun of the fact that I am normally wearing two pairs of socks, one of which is usually strawberry shortcake with those little rubber things on the bottom that keep you from slipping :).  But I'm not kidding when I say my feet being cold really affects me.  If I don't put that extra pair of socks on, sometimes I'll lay in bed for like an hour not being able to fall asleep.  Then I'll get up, put a thick pair on, and immediately dose off.  Is that crazy?  I don't know, but I really like my feet to be warm haha.
Well on another note....I happen to have one of my old friends from high school in my women's history class!! It's great because she wasn't one of those friends that you stop talking to not because you got in a fight or something but just because it happened.  It so great to talk to her.  Although, I will admit that I am a little jealous of her.  Today she was talking to me about how she was moving all day.  Into her own apartment!!! Gosh the freedom.  well not really the freedom, but the independence.  Boy do I crave the feeling of being out on my own way too much.  I can't wait to one day be able to decorate a place to my liking, organize it the way I want it, buy plates and cups and cooking utensils (probably the best part), and going grocery shopping.  One day I will consider those tasks annoying along with doing the dishes, cleaning, having to pay bills and stuff, but for now that's all I can think about wanting.  haha but anyways I told her this and she promised to invite me over as soon as she is settled in.  I'm very proud of her.  She's doing this all on her own (well she will live there with her boyfriend) and that's exactly what I want to do. 

Um well I miss Disneyland if that's anything new.  I spend most my time sleeping, also not new.  I have a pimple on my ear.  Haha you probably didn't want to know that but it hurts.  Oh and I'm dreading the coming of valentine's day.  I feel like I always do.  Mostly because, somehow, all the bad moments in my romantic life happened around that day.  This year that's impossible because I have no romantic life!! yay!!
oh i've been reading this book: Chicken Soup for the soul, Find Your Happiness.  I really find it inspirational.

That's all for today, I didn't really have anything deep to talk about....
Off to read myself to sleep!!!

Ok, it's been awhile, I suck, haha :)

Alright so I haven't posted anything in awhile.  I guess I just haven't had much to write.  On the other hand, it's like I have tons to write about but don't want to talk about it.  What a dilemna!! So how bout we just do a little review on my life.  Sound good?
So today I really started working on my online classes.  Only three of them have started.  The other one starts in February.  Yesterday, all the work I did on them was log in and make sure I did whatever introductory assignments the teachers posted so that I wouldn't be dropped from the classes, haha.  On the topic of introductory assignments, in my Business 1B class, which is accounting, we had to answer 7 questions about ourselves.  I did this a couple days before the start of class because I happened to log on early.  Well yesterday when I went through all the syllabuses and stuff, I noticed that I got a 0 out of 10 on that assignment!!!  Can you believe that?  An assignment on myself?!  So I went to check the review of it to see why.  I thought maybe the teacher was mad that I didn't use complete sentences (I tend not to do that no matter how many teachers have tried to beat that out of me.  HELLO! my mind is moving way to fast to think in complete sentences!! i'm smart! duh! haha jk)  But I checked and, amazingly, I must have thought this teacher might want to see complete sentences so I actually did that.  So now I don't know how I got a stupid 0 on that assignment.  But I'm gonna let time pass to see if it changes.  If not I will be messaging that stupid teacher asking why he thinks I don't know myself!!!
Alright, I'll move on now, haha.  So I finished one english assignment today (it's going to be a heavy class, I've got to start working on it like nonstop) and put everything in word that I want to print out.  That's my new strategy for online classes, print everything out, that way when I'm getting ready for work I can't complain that I don't want to turn my computer on to check the due date for something, I'll just flip through a binder.  But I've also adopted my dad's strategy of logging on everyday so that I don't miss anything.  Because believe it or not, one of my teachers is mean enough to actually have pop quizzes for an online class, unannounced!.  sucks for the people who only log in right before a due date cuz I will not be stuck in that boat of missing those quizzes.
My only in-class starts monday, I'm kind of excited, I could use some socialization. Like bad.  I can't remember the last time I actually spent time with someone my age other than my best friend Irving.  And I don't even see him that often anymore.  I'm starving for some friendly interaction.  I need a party to go to!!!!
Other than that, I mostly just sit around watching netflix on my xbox, or reading, and going to work.  Oh did I mention I sleep alot?  Like all the time haha.  Anyways, that's all I have to say for now.  I will be writing more, sorry for the long period between this post and the last one.:(
 

Should I have gone away to college?

All summer I've been reading posts on Facebook about people going away to college.  "Only this many days til I leave tracy!!!" Stuff like that.  For some reason it wasn't really bothering me all that much.  But now I'm seeing, "Good bye Tracy!!! Hello (enter new town name her)!!!" or "Packing to leave for..."  This is very depressing.  Going away to college has been my dream since seventh grade when I really started to think about college.  And I remember thinking back then that if I wanted to go away to college I had to do really well in school, so I worked really hard.  But then during my freshman year it became apparent that my dream wasn't going to come true.  My parents were telling me that the best decision would be to go to a community college.  So, of course, my teenege brain though, hey, if I'm going to go to a lousy community college, I don't have to do as well in school since they will except me no matter what.  And I didn't do that will in high school.  I no longer cared.  Now I wish I hadn't listened to my parents and continued on with my dream.  I could have gotten really good scholarships or something.  I think I was afraid they wouldn't help me pay for everything.  But since they aren't helping me anyway I could have left with no fear.  But now that I am paying for all my college by myself I realize that I wouldn't have been able to afford to go away.  I might not even be able to afford it now.  I might get my A.A. and have to stop.  Stuck as a manager of McDonald's forever.  But I am determined not to let that happen.  When I get my A.A. after working my butt off this next year and a half to two years, I WILL move away.  Even if it means I have to put the rest of my education on hold for a year or two, I will not let myself get stuck in San Joaquin County.  It's just not going to happen.  When I am done at Delta, I will move to Anaheim to work at Disneyland and work until I have enought money to go back to school or work my way up without having to do that.  All I know is that this little mistake of mine to stay at home and go to Delta College won't stop me from moving away and living my dream.  Because all I want is to be independent and to be happy.

Guys......

I'm starting to believe that they all work together to fool us girls.  I, personally, have been screwed over many guys.  The cheaters, the guys who only want sex, and the guys who just don't give a fuck.  I've dealt with them and thought it was just me.  But then I look at my friends.  Some of the same things are happening to them.  Is it just my group of friends or what is it?  I really just don't understand.
I'm begining to wonder if it is possible that I will ever have a good, healthy relationship with someone.  It's not so crazy to think that I won't either.  but then again, maybe it is just me.
The other day, i had a strange conversation with my best friend.  I said to him that i felt like I was an open book. That everyone could tell what i was feeling and thinking.  He surprised me by telling me that he thinks that I am the opposite. That i don't have alot of friends because people don't get past "the way I am" (still not quite sure about that one...) to the person i really am.  He also said that he felt like I put on a smile for other people, even him.  (it still amazes me how well he knows me) If what he says is the truth, how many guys are going to be willing to get to know me as well as he does? And how comfortable am I that he's the only person who knows me that well.  Ugh.
Well we shall see what the universe has in store for me, shan't we?

A Reflection On High School

One of the things I learned in high school was that everyone's main goal is to fit in.  Once they feel like they fit in, other goals start popping up.  Also, once they fit in, they tend to stay with that group of friends all through high school.  However, something must be wrong with me.  I felt like I fit in when I was a cheerleader, but then I started to feel like the girls were snotty, fake, materialistic, and way too argumentative.  So I decided I didn't like them anymore.  Then I felt like I really fit in with the choir group, but then when my teacher left, I no longer felt the same.  Now, I'm still not quite so sure where I fit in and am afraid that I will have to start all over again in college.  I'm really not good at making new friends.
Anyways, I remember having the notion that particular people were perfect.  They got good grades, didn't get in to trouble, were involved in many things, and had loving parents.  I always wondered how come my life didn't seem as easy as their's.  Towards the end of high school I just felt like an outsider who floated around not belonging anywhere.  This gave me the chance to observe and, yes, eavesdropped more.  What I learned was that the people who I had thought were perfect for so long, weren't.  They were more likely to be the ones partying EVERY weekend, getting drunk, doing drugs, and hooking up.  (You'd be surprised the things teenagers talk about in public when they think no one is listening.)  This realization completely turned my world upside down.  It didn't make any sense.  Here were people who, in my eyes, shouldn't be going anywere in life but they were going away to college.  And here was little old me, actually doing what I was supposed to be doing and somehow it wasn't enough.  I was staying behind in the fall.  And here's a fun fact:  my reputation from high school is slut, partyer, no-good.  Isn't that hilarious?  I'd like to no where they got that from.
I didn't belong in high school.  It just wasn't for me.  I remember going into high school and beeing so innocent.  I came out hardened with no hope for the future.  Why are we forced to go to a place that makes us feel that way?  Or it could just be me.  The one thing I will always remember from high school is how badly I wanted to get out.  I feel like that's all I ever want.  Is to get out.  But that's another story for another day.  One that will probably never be shared on here. 
That's all I have to say about high school.
Wait one more thing: it sucked.